Anyone want to play spider-ball?

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "The Amazing Spider-Man". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Collider.com)

1) How many basketballs died to make Spider-Man's costume?

2) Still thinking of all those poor basketballs.

3) Have our superheroes become such divas that spandex is no longer good enough for them?

4) I wonder if the new basketball costume helps Spider-Man bounce off walls better when he's thrown against a wall (which seems to happen in every movie).

5) We've been critical of 3D in the past, but we can't wait to see this in 3D!

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "The Amazing Spider-Man", we predict that it'll make $60 million during its first weekend.

Has anyone seen Teddy?

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "Ted". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Reelmovienation.com)

1) How could anyone resist a cuddly teddy bear? Nice move movie poster designers. Kids will be bugging their parents to take them to this movie and we all know what that means, double admission costs!

2) We wonder why they're laughing... Maybe they're watching one of Mark's movies. There's only one Mark Wahlberg movie we can think of that would make anyone laugh like that, they must be watching "Boogie Nights".

3) Who gave Teddy a beer?

4) Mila Kunis makes any movie poster better, so why isn't she anywhere to be found?!?! The combination of a teddy bear and Mila Kunis would have guaranteed that this movie would open at number one! Instead, we have Mark Wahlberg with a bad tie and khakis.

5) Hmm, do we really want to be publicizing the fact that this is his first movie? Just from this movie poster we know they don't know what they're doing, stop reminding us.

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "Ted", we predict that it'll make $15.3 million during its first weekend.

Does Johnny Depp hunt vampires?

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: EatSleepLiveFilm.com)

1) Good use of a full moon here because everyone knows that people turn into vampires when there's a full moon! Umm, err, ok, that might be werewolves. But, everyone knows that vampires can't resist moons that look like cookies! I guess that's supposed to be a skull? Hmm, I like the cookie theory better.

2) The constant dilemma of any movie poster designer is who to put on the movie poster when there are no big time stars in the movie. This designer has cleverly taken care of that problem by obscurring the face of it's main character. This could be Abraham Lincoln, it could be Dorian Grey, it might even be Johnny Depp, who knows? Either way, how could you not be excited to see a movie where the main character wears a top hat and carries an axe!

3) Vampire hunter? Cool. I wonder if any of the Twilight vampires will appear in this movie...

4) OMG, it's a Tim Burton movie?!?! Maybe that really is Johnny Depp! This movie poster has suddenly gotten really exciting!

5) I think it's great that they're making movies about the unique hobbies of past U.S. Presidents. I think the next movie they should make is: Jimmy Carter: Peanut Predator!

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter", we predict that it'll make $36 million during its first weekend.

Blink twice if you're being held hostage, Andy Samberg

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "That's My Boy". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Iwatchstuff.com)

1) Aren't there laws that protect the American flag from desecration? How could this be allowed to happen on American soil? How could the American flag be allowed to appear in an Adam Sandler movie poster? Was this movie poster designer being forced to design at gunpoint?

2) Yo, Andy! Just a quick piece of advice from your friends at Movie Poster Monday, your career isn't dead yet. Run like hell before this movie opens and just pretend that it wasn't you in that movie poster. Tell everyone it's that guy from American Pie, it won't hurt his career cause his career is pretty much done.

3) Upon closer inspection, it looks like Andy Samberg is being held hostage, or he really needs to pee. To be on the safe side can someone call 911? 

4) This movie poster is sponsored by Bud Light.

5) We would like to believe that this is just some tacky outfit that the movie poster stylist came up with, but something tells us that Adam Sandler may actually dress like this in his regular life.

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "That's My Boy", we predict that it'll make $1.3 million during its first weekend.

No, Robert! Too sexy, too sexy!

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "Bel Ami". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Collider.com)

1) This is the, oh, how you say, Robert Pattinson movie poster.

2) If this wasn't a limited release, just having Robert Pattinson doing his version of "Blue Steel" would likely get the teenage Twilight geeks to spend at least $10 million on this silver screen version of The Hills.

3) Is it our imagination or does everyone in this movie poster look like they're trying to do "Blue Steel"? 

4) Isn't this the same outfit he wore in Harry Potter? I guess they blew the whole budget on this hair.

5) We wonder how mad Colm Meaney is that he's the only star that got left off the movie poster. Well, maybe they would have included Colm if he wasn't such a "Meaney"! (We at Movie Poster Monday would like to apologize for that weak Colm Meaney joke)

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "Bel Ami", we predict that it'll make $150.00 during its first weekend.

Who will avenge this movie poster?

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "The Avengers". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Collider.com)

1) Wow, eight names at the top of the poster! Multiply by seven, carry the one, have numbers crunched by secret algorithms... If this movie doesn't make at least $90 million in its opening weekend it will mean our secret algorithms need more work.

2) We love how things are blowing up and the rest of The Avengers at least look like they're about to fight someone or something, but Captain America is just posing! Guess he's just concerned about looking cool in the movie poster, as opposed to helping his friends. Wonder if he's going to make appearances on Jimmy Kimmel and The View next...

3) We realize that The Hulk is supposed to be a big guy, but unless he's the love child of Godzilla and King Kong he's a bit out of proportion. Cause definitely if he really is supposed to be that big, his pants would have split too when he grew. Even with a pair of spanks under those pants, The Hulk would be going commando after his transformation.

4) Hello Scarlett! We think we've caught Samuel L. Jackson staring at your ass. Not that we blame him, but it's not exactly profession. We would have expected that kind of behaviour from Captain America, but somehow we think he might be more interested in admiring his own ass...

5) Does anyone think that maybe Robert Downey Jr. was too busy to show up to the movie poster shoot? His head looks like it was cut and pasted onto this body. Can anyone confirm that they used a stand-in and added his face in post-production?

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "The Avengers", we predict that it'll make $90 million during its first weekend.

Wrath of the muppets

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "Wrath of the Titans". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Nerdrepository.com)

1) Typically, one would expect the names of some big-time movie stars in this area of the movie poster, but there are none? Did the movie poster designer not get the memo? Did he/ she have a feud with the cast of the movie and decide to leave them all off the poster in a fit of designer rage? Usually when this happens, it means that there are no stars in the movie (After all, remember Footloose?) The mystery deepens...

2) We have a theory now to explain the missing names! We think that there were indeed the names of big-time movie stars on the poster originally, but during the course of this movie poster shoot they were all eaten by the giant, multi-headed, fire-breathing, umm.., err.., hairy thing?

3) IMAX 3D and Real D 3D?! Be still my heart, how are we ever going to be able to resist seeing the movie in both? Most of you by now probably know how we feel about using "3D" as a selling point for your movie, and as it's not 2009 we don't think it really helps. When we see "3D", what we see is, "This movie blows! Pay $20 to see imaginary stuff fly at you!". Not saying that there aren't times when "3D" does work as a selling point. The movie poster that sets the standard for the ethical use of 3D is "A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas". Movie poster designers will be studying it for years to come.

4) Further supporting our "All the big-time stars were devoured" theory, the only surviving member of the cast is shown here trying to stab the, umm, let's call it an angry muppet with a trident. Nothing wrong with wanting to kill the muppet before getting fried or eaten, but a big-time movie star would know that using the end of the trident with more "pointy things" would be more effective. It's obvious he's just one of the extras, who's now working really hard for minimum wage...

5) Remember that time in "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" when Brick Tamland stabbed a guy with a trident? LOL, we still can't see a trident and not think of that moment!

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "Wrath of the Titans", we predict that it'll make $30 million during its first weekend.