Wrath of the muppets

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "Wrath of the Titans". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Nerdrepository.com)

1) Typically, one would expect the names of some big-time movie stars in this area of the movie poster, but there are none? Did the movie poster designer not get the memo? Did he/ she have a feud with the cast of the movie and decide to leave them all off the poster in a fit of designer rage? Usually when this happens, it means that there are no stars in the movie (After all, remember Footloose?) The mystery deepens...

2) We have a theory now to explain the missing names! We think that there were indeed the names of big-time movie stars on the poster originally, but during the course of this movie poster shoot they were all eaten by the giant, multi-headed, fire-breathing, umm.., err.., hairy thing?

3) IMAX 3D and Real D 3D?! Be still my heart, how are we ever going to be able to resist seeing the movie in both? Most of you by now probably know how we feel about using "3D" as a selling point for your movie, and as it's not 2009 we don't think it really helps. When we see "3D", what we see is, "This movie blows! Pay $20 to see imaginary stuff fly at you!". Not saying that there aren't times when "3D" does work as a selling point. The movie poster that sets the standard for the ethical use of 3D is "A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas". Movie poster designers will be studying it for years to come.

4) Further supporting our "All the big-time stars were devoured" theory, the only surviving member of the cast is shown here trying to stab the, umm, let's call it an angry muppet with a trident. Nothing wrong with wanting to kill the muppet before getting fried or eaten, but a big-time movie star would know that using the end of the trident with more "pointy things" would be more effective. It's obvious he's just one of the extras, who's now working really hard for minimum wage...

5) Remember that time in "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy" when Brick Tamland stabbed a guy with a trident? LOL, we still can't see a trident and not think of that moment!

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "Wrath of the Titans", we predict that it'll make $30 million during its first weekend.

Who's Hungry?

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "The Hunger Games". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Hollywoodreporter.com)

1) At first glance we thought Jennifer Lawrence was so hungry during her movie poster shoot that she decided to roast a marshmallow. Not a bad idea as the roasted marshmallow smell would calm her hunger and be better than the smell of sawdust and badgers that lingers on most movie poster sets. But closer inspection shows it isn't a flaming marshmallow, it appears to be a flaming ring of some sort... Tell me more movie poster, tell me more!

2) Ok, so there appears to be a bird in the center of this flaming ring. It seemed strange to us that the bird was inverted, as most birds don't usually stand on their heads, nor are they depicted falling from the sky. Then it occurred to us, this is the shoot for "The Hunger Games"! Obviously, the bird died of hunger in mid-flight and has now fallen into a flaming barbeque. The hungry game playing children are about to enjoy a nice barbequed chicken dinner, yum.

3) The movie poster was obviously an homage to all the great Robin Hood movie posters. Who could forget the original bow and arrow number with Kevin "Don't make me speak with an English accent" Costner in a sexy olive green number, shooting a flaming arrow.  Then, as if possessed by the spirit of the original Robin of Locksley, Cary Elwes adds another feather to his green felt hat by delivering his best movie poster performance since "Hot Shots!" (After all, anyone who can survive a movie poster shoot with Charlie Sheen is pretty #Winning.) Showing incredible range, Cary's performance includes shooting not one, not two, but six arrows! Well played, Mr. Elwes, well played.

4) We were under the impression that Jennifer's powers in "X-Men: First Class" were just special effects. We were wrong. As seen in this movie poster, she has turned her blond hair a shiny shade of chestnut brown. It's no wonder none of her co-stars are on the poster as by not requiring hair and makeup on this set, they are able to reduce costs and pass the savings on to you...

5) We wonder what she's thinking, because she's obviously not thinking of food (No drooling). She is probably wondering what Russell Crowe was thinking during his unfortunate Robin Hood movie poster shoot. Chances are that Russell was wondering how he went from Gladiator to this piece of crap, and that he's probably going to become the first actor to have his Oscar revoked. Don't worry Jen, if this movie doesn't work out you can use your special powers to morph yourself into another actress, might we suggest becoming Kate Beckinsale?

In conclusion, based on our detailed analysis of "The Hunger Games", we predict that the kids will drop about $89 million during the first weekend on this movie.

Did we miss the rose ceremony?

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "21 Jump Street". This week's five points of the poster are:

(Image credit: Movieposter.com)

1) Now this is a modern movie poster. In a bold "jump" the movie poster designers have decided that if two dudes are going to Prom together they should wear matching tuxedos. And to be sure that no one else will accidentally wear the same tuxedos as you guys, you should also make sure that no one else would be caught dead in the tuxedos you pick out.

2) Looks like they tried to get matching haircuts too, but next time they should go somewhere other than Supercuts. (Although to be fair Channing's had that haircut since his breakout performance in the movie poster for "She's the Man" and Jonah just started getting haircuts during "Get Him to the Greek".)

3) So close, but I guess they don't make Jonah's shoes in Channing's size. I'm beginning to feel that someone here is having second thoughts about this "matchy, matchy" idea they both got for Prom... Let that be a lesson to the high school kids out there, ideas always sound better when you're full of Redbull and Twinkies.

4) At least they managed to get matching guns. Even if they couldn't agree on whether they should hold them up or down for the shoot.

5) There's balloons, smoke, roses, unhappy bachelors, hmm... Wait a minute, this isn't a movie poster shoot! It's the promo poster for the next Bachelorette! 

In conclusion, based on this thorough analysis we predict that the next season of "The Bachelorette" will be just as painful to watch as any of the other seasons.

Forget three wise monkeys, we're gonna need eight!

This Movie Poster Monday we'll be reviewing "A Thousand Words". For the first time, this week there are eight points of the poster!

(Image credit: impawards.com)

1) We see Eddie Murphy has come back from his spiritual retreat, no doubt at some remote mountain village where he consulted a grey-haired living deity on how he could revive his career. After a recent string of hits like... um, ah, yeah, Beverly Hills Cop? Oh, the Oscars! No, he cancelled... er, nevermind. After recent success growing part of a mustache, Eddie has come back to Hollywood to share the wisdom that he learned on the mountain top. Looks like he's going to expand on the proverbial principle to "see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Here of course Eddie is speaking no evil, if only Charlie Sheen could have seen this early last year...

2) We think this was supposed to be "hear no evil", but Eddie's getting old so that's as high as he can lift his arms.

3) This one is obviously "smell no evil".

4) I'm guessing this one is "Hey, mon, I no evil".

5) Looks like Eddie got someone else to help him with "see no evil".

6) It's never a bad idea to remember that "Kiss to the forehead no evil, unless she wakes up and doesn't know who you are...".

7) This one might be "Grandma do no evil"

8) Finally we have "Baby's head's not spinning so no evil".

In keeping with the tradition of firsts in this post, for the first time we're not going to predict how much this will make in its opening weekend. Instead we are just going to predict that it will open in a theater somewhere and not just go straight to video.